Some Diet and I Forgot to Do My Homework

Sometimes, the wife, Dcup inspires me and sometimes she triggers a memory. No, not that. That beer photo took me back to eighth grade. I think people had a better sense of humor them. I am certain that no middle school teacher today would react positively to this story.

My parents had all kinds of records lying around the house. Our neighbor also worked for a record company and contributed many promo 45's to the collection. You could look through the household record bins and find all kinds of music. Ocassionally, I would run across a comedy recording from the 50's or 60's.

On a Monday, I showed up to school and my friends reminded me that we had to have a poem memorized to present during class. Our teacher, Mrs. Simon, Fish Face as the older sibs called her, made us do stuff like that. Naturally, I forgot about the assignment. Panicking about getting a zero I tried to think of a poem I already knew. All I could think of was this song by Allan Sherman:

The Drinking Man's Diet

Oh, I'm on the Drinking Man's Diet,
It came from a book I was loaned.
It's really terrific and quite scientific
And I'm half stoned.
For breakfast some cornflakes and vodka,
But cornflakes have carbohydrate;
So I don't eat those fattening cornflakes,
I eat the vodka straight.

Drink, drink, everyone drink;
It's not as bad as we used to think.
With every Manhattan your stomach will flatten,
So drink, drink, drink.

The Air Force invented this diet,
A fact which they hotly deny.
Of course they deny it, 'cause this is the diet
That got the Air Force high.
For lunch you can have three martinis,
What better lunch is there than that?
But caution: do not eat the olives,
'Cause olives make you fat.

Drink, drink, everyone drink;
It's not as bad as we used to think.
If pounds you would burn off, then turn on your Smirnoff,
And drink, drink, drink.

For dinner, a nice Scotch and soda
Now that oughtta help you to lose.
No whipped cream, no butter, just lay in the gutter
And booze, booze, booze.
Suppose you should meet a policeman,
Who says you've been quenching your thirst;
You just tell him it's physical fitness
And health comes first!

Drink (hic!), drink (hic!), booze everywhere (hic!);
Pass that decanter of bourbon there.
I'm fatter than ever, but here's what's so clever:
I don't care!

I recall Mrs. Simon laughing at my presentation. I recited the words like an expert.